i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
