They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
