wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
