Nicole vs. Life
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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