dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
