Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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