You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
