I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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