I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
