even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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