Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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