Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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