The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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