I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
