drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
