"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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