I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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