Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
