I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
