when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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