listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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