Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
