Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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