sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
