whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Randomize
