wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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