My room smells like vodka and shame
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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