you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
