Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
