i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
