guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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