I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
