i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
