Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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