remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
