Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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