she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
