how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
