This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
