help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
