Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
