the condom got lost in my hair
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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