I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
