your thong is hanging out like whoa
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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