How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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