I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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