Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
