I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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