Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
