my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
