Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
