i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
