A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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